Guttermouth: A Parody Psalm

Here’s a witty follow-up to my discussion about Righteousness in the Psalms. By way of contrast, this is what I’d imagine a psalm would actually say if it were written with the fearful mentality that I previously described, one that knows only the perfectionism of prescriptive righteousness and has no functional category of descriptive righteousness.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A Psalm of David. A lamentation in timidity. On the occasion where the man became an overly scrupulous and fearfully paralyzed Evangelical Protestant in the grip of morbidly introspective writhing worm theology. To be wailed miserably to the dirge called “A Quivering Jellyfish”.

Yahweh, who can dwell in thy tent?
Who can abide on thy holy mountain?

Alas, O God! There are none; I know not one.
Among your servants of old, I know not one.

None of thy prophets were faithful and true.
You were displeased with them altogether,
And you did not dwell with our forefathers.
Therefore what hope have I to please thee?

~ Interlude and Weep ~

Woe is me! For I am a slimy worm and not a man.
Hide me from the terrible face of the Most High.
Wow is me! For I am odious sewage and not a son.
Cast me far off from the presence of the Holy One.

May the words of my mouth
And the meditations of my heart
Be kept far from thy sight, O Lord my Accuser.

~ Interlude and Vomit ~

Thy statutes are oppression.
Yea, they are shackles of iron.
Thy precepts are enslavement.
Yea, crueler than a taskmaster.
Thy commands are altogether burdensome.
In keeping them their is no hope; only despair.

Yea, thy Law, O Lord, is a curse to me,
And much bitterness to my feeble soul.
Haggard is the man who hears thy testimonies.
He regurgitates day and night as he remembers them.

Over thy precepts I tremble and fret continually.
Thy statutes and ordinances make me nauseated.
The thought of righteousness is bile in my throat.

~ Interlude and Vomit Again ~

Thy word is a nail to my feet,
And a stumbling block in my path.

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